Thursday, October 13, 2011

Not Out of the Desert Yet

School has been a desert for me. removed from all i know and love, this place is hot, humid, barren. If that weren’t enough, everything i understood about the beliefs i held was brought into question. Reluctant at first, and not possibly too zealous to throw everything to perception, relativity, and under the bus of criticism, cynicism, and most importantly doubt.

Doubt. That’s the big word for me. God if you answered to that as your name, i would be most ardent in worship and belief. The hope i have is constantly being kindled, and snuffed out. A paradox? A dichotomy?

Hope. This is my mortal enemy. I wish for it to be gone. If god’s kingdom is built frommy sweat, labor and blood, so be it. But please, stop trying to help me escape, to brush away the grit and reality of the sacrifice. This IS my light yoke, my burden to bear. No savior came to remove THIS pain. It is all i have, and to be proud of. All i can find joy and satisfaction in.

Interrupt me, lord, if you will. But as for now i’ll stop wishing and hoping for the stress to subside--for overwhelming joy and peace to wash over me.

Dwell in me--just know that i don’t expect anything from you. My task is set, and if you want to move in me, then do so.

I feel unworthy of being spoken to. But know well, when you, unmistakably you, speak to me, you will be toying with my heart. I ask you to tread lightly.

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