i never meant for this

night fell

2011-11-29T07:32:00.000-08:00

i started to read "the last temptation of christ" not too long ago. going into it, i was concerned, knowing the account that lay before me was fictional, but its power to alter my mind and perception of the God i serve would be just as real as other thoughts.

kazantzakis is a masterful writer. his knowledge of scripture dwarfs my own. his tactful placement of words and phrases that are familiar to me through the bible remind me how much i don't read the bible. this assignment for my class is turning into something much more. the teacher knew this would happen. it will definitely push me to read more of my bible, and this book so the attempt at piecing together the two and all the intentional parallels can have some sort of coherence.

even though i'm behind in my reading, my eyes are alighted to a completely different understanding of my savior. true enough, the jesus christ i know is not the jesus, "the son of mary, son of the carpenter" mentioned in this novel. then again, he's not who i've made him out to be either.

understanding this and knowing this are two very different things. i have neither. i am simply aware of its existence. much like the parallels that are drawn in the novel to the Scripture, i am only aware, but knowing why--not even close. which leads me to the great struggle.

struggle is the cornerstone of man. his self-consciousness is hidden from all. there is no manual on how to be you. nobody else ever has, or ever will be. that's the frustrating part. so we try to fit in, be like others--at least that way we have something to see, hear, act like. it fails. all we see of others is just a moment, a snapshot. we need a purpose, a why behind the what that we do. and since the purpose of our lives is so vastly different--one from another--and since it can't be obvious from the outside, we are lost.

[insert the obvious part about how God is great and magnificent for coming down and giving us an example, and how perfect it was (despite the fact that we are millennia removed from the context of our great example and savior and have no way, no guide to the struggle inwardly, only a directive on how we should be motivated and how frustrating that is)]

Not Out of the Desert Yet

2011-10-13T09:44:00.000-07:00

School has been a desert for me. removed from all i know and love, this place is hot, humid, barren. If that weren’t enough, everything i understood about the beliefs i held was brought into question. Reluctant at first, and not possibly too zealous to throw everything to perception, relativity, and under the bus of criticism, cynicism, and most importantly doubt.

Doubt. That’s the big word for me. God if you answered to that as your name, i would be most ardent in worship and belief. The hope i have is constantly being kindled, and snuffed out. A paradox? A dichotomy?

Hope. This is my mortal enemy. I wish for it to be gone. If god’s kingdom is built frommy sweat, labor and blood, so be it. But please, stop trying to help me escape, to brush away the grit and reality of the sacrifice. This IS my light yoke, my burden to bear. No savior came to remove THIS pain. It is all i have, and to be proud of. All i can find joy and satisfaction in.

Interrupt me, lord, if you will. But as for now i’ll stop wishing and hoping for the stress to subside--for overwhelming joy and peace to wash over me.

Dwell in me--just know that i don’t expect anything from you. My task is set, and if you want to move in me, then do so.

I feel unworthy of being spoken to. But know well, when you, unmistakably you, speak to me, you will be toying with my heart. I ask you to tread lightly.

Wandering 04.21.2011

2011-09-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

Wandering
Wondering
Willfully wasting
Constantly considering

Tension between
Maker and man
Quietly quilted
recession from you

Ravaged
Reminiscent
Retention and release
Carefully choosing

Tension between
You and me
Quaintly quilting
restoration of two

Sent from my iPod

November 9 Prophets

2011-07-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

Corpses rotting where they fall

Like my expectations

Windowsills covered with

Life withdrawn

Six-legged creatures once

Summer-strong

Frozen in time

Endless

Unaffected by daily struggles

Euphoric entropy

My hopes have flown,

Crawled on the screen

And dropped with gravity

As the temperature offers brevity

brown virginia morning

2011-03-15T03:20:00.000-07:00

it’s cold in virginia

and i find myself keeping up with the dead

at best those forty degrees, drag the breath from my mouth to my knees

there’s a song being played and all play their part, the bass line beats like my heart

my feet are burning, lifeless pavement turns to wet grass; colder still

they move in syncopation with time, so much more willing than when alive

with only skin on my feet they cross back onto the street, the cold air is fire

there are many more in tune, to the status we will all be accustomed to

though my pace is steady, the mind is accelerating

mindlessly, consciously, they have ceased to be fixed in one location

the amount of pain to be endured will not change with speed

dissipation. though no longer location, they are timeless

the universe is indifferent to my decision

the song came through the air to the radio, i only caught the end

and pain is my reminder that i have not arrived

song is eternal, it will play again

the green rug receives my feet; a brisk sweep

and i am growing in anticipation

the red door won’t open

for the moment i join in

glad i brought my keys.

Present the Past Presence

2011-02-25T05:22:00.000-08:00

You fit my hand like a missing glove,
Expression.
Coward burning with love

To speak those words...

Longing to hear them again

--Yet when--

My heart leaps, skips a beat
Shudder in fear
Cry oceans quietly, soak in the tears

Left me torn and broken
Did the sweetest words ever spoken

Walking off into the night
The truth of heart-searing lies
Actions proved the point

Life deranged by words never changed
Hear the echo
Of words once true

Rejection by neglect

"I love you."